Life: as I see it...errr something like that

Mom

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 19:27:01 GMT

My mom died on August the 11

choices

Sat, 11 Mar 2006 04:29:06 GMT

Choices choices, everyone always talks about choices and never about the fear and uncertainty that comes along with.

So I’m wondering…When your at the top of a hill with all of the world pushing at your back…do you go slowly? Do well in they’re eyes and tear your self down in the making…

Or do you let go and tumble down the hill, failing quite a lot and landing in a painful heap…letting go and falling apart in all the tragic bitter glory of a break down…

What to do what to do

-

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 17:59:51 GMT

One day I'll float away

-

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 00:48:26 GMT

One day the bleeding wont stop

-

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:20:47 GMT

One day I will see the fleeting moments

-

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 03:55:04 GMT

One day I'll wake up cold

-

Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:04:40 GMT

oh life life life life life...

Oh so sorry

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 03:07:20 GMT

I am so sorry to disappoint you like this...

but I'm afraid you cannot break me by attempting to burn holes through me with every painful glare.

Wake up Donnie?

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 02:51:14 GMT

I feel so pointless being here…always so scattered. I feel as if I retain nearly nothing from my classes…I am simply going through each annoying motion.

When I am notified of an upcoming project, I feel nothing like you would expect…no pressure or hurry, no anxiety or ambition to do well…only a blur of acceptance.

Acceptance that the due date will eventually come…that I will or will not turn something in…and that it will eventually be over.

I’m not sure if this is how I want life to continue…its as Spike said “This is a dream I never wake up from” I don’t know whether to wake up now and live with eyes open, squinting in the light. Or just to continue on enjoying the dream, living as an observer…Eyes closed, yet seeing more…because in a dream your not afraid to look around.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 05:34:35 GMT

Its 12:30 in the morning

and I don't know what to do with myself

I'm frusterated that I never got a break

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:06:15 GMT

So life is good and exciting

and scary

but I am brave again

11 days away

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 16:53:31 GMT

So Christmas is 11 days away and I feel so over whelmed.

So I’m going to start by knocking off my home work in a grand battle set right here at my little desk.

After that? Well I really should focus on one thing at a time…AKA sit in denial about everything else so I don’t panic ^^ Buuutttt I have to:

Finish decorating the Christmas tree, which is a huge job
Put up the Nativity
Put up the Christmas town
Decorate all the windows
Duck tape the windows….long story
Decorate the fire places

THEN

Clean both of my rooms and decorate them
Clean the kitchen/backroom
Clean the bathrooms
Pick up sunroom

THEN

Work on yoga and flexibility
Work on my Nutcracker stuff

THEN

By as many ppl as I can presents…and I’m money less…
Wrap the presents

And I’m sure there’s stuff I’m forgetting…

somethings I've learned

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 21:32:27 GMT

Over the few years I’ve been alive, I’ve learned a couple things. I just thought I’d share some:

Be your self, slowly let all the lies and fakeness go let your truth show

Don’t expect anything to last right now for now is not the time, enjoy yourself and let go
when its time

shrinking the outside wont close the gap of emptiness on the inside. But that gap isn’t always so big, and it always gets smaller

Nothing is forever, not the good and happily not the bad. But have faith that things always come back around, what’s meant to be will find a way. When something ends, it has an other chance to start, even better than before.

Everything happens for a reason and something good comes out of everything

Things always change

People really do care about you. Sometimes its tempting to do things to make them show concern. Don’t. It always makes things more complicated.

Be as honest as possible and as much as possible

Don’t rely on anyone else, especially certain someones, to make you happy. Other people always fail at it anyway.

The only time you should try to have a relationship is when you feel like you don’t need one. Or else you end up relying on them to hold you up and that’s not fair. You have to make yourself happy before anyone else can.

Everyone hurts. There is always someone else out there who has it worse.

People are searching for themselves. So your not alone.

People, like all other animals, snap when they’re hurt. Don’t take things too personally, and try and have patience with everyone, even those who seem mean. They’re probably just hurt too.

Understanding will come in time.

You can’t escape that empty nameless thing inside. You wont find your salvation anywhere but in yourself.
Not in drugs, eating disorders, obsessions, razors, no where but in learning to cope with it will it lessen and heal.

With out all the pain you couldn’t be happy. Even though the numbness seems nice, its not. Life is worth living…though it usually takes its time getting really good.

Experience the world. Find things, simple things, that seem to make things happier for you.
Most the time, things feel a lot worse than they really are.

Life has enough drama, so get involved with it so you don’t need to create your own.
You can’t survive on water and noodles for very long.

Everything seeks a balance.

Everyone needs other living things to survive. Whether we like to admit it or not.

Things are beautiful in they’re natural state. Whether your supposed to be big or small, don’t fight your nature. In that state everyone is beautiful.

Keep an open mind, even when it protests some times.

Try and learn about the things you “hate” or fear. You’ll usually find that they’re not so bad.

When your thighs are a little closer and your pants a little tighter, know it wont be that way forever and it doesnt change who you are.

It is generally pointless to get embarrassed about things. So don’t sweat it.

Strive for health and happiness…even when the gloom and doom seem more appealing. You’ll be glad.

Laughter is good.

Its better to tell too many people that you love them, than not enough.

When people make fun of you and try and change you, look at them in the bigger picture. People are afraid of what they don’t understand…just keep being you and they’ll get it in time
Emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, really are wonderful things

Everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences or mistakes. And everything really will be ok.
Though it doesn’t always seem like it

October 19- too much

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 02:54:08 GMT

I am trying to suck too much out of an already near empty well. Too much to do, fulfill, and keep up with. Too many to please until I am not even able to rehabilitate myself. My mother looks on with concern; “Pretty soon my little therapist will need one of her own…” she says with disapproval.
I must keep up with school and home and work and dance and friends and thoughts and tears and parents…and not enough time for books, dreams, and clouds. But I am keeping my nose above water…just barely. Like I said the well is not yet dry, though it is being quickly emptied by constant with drawl of bucket after bucket…as well as seeping through the ever widening cracks at the base do, to lack of time for repair.
It is more than water they drain, but everything they need, leaving none for the rest. They all seem to think they are the only ones. “But we’ve only been together one day this whole week” Yes, but what about the12 others that I’ve split the rest of the days with. Leaving no time for me, a normally solitary creature.
Sleep calls to me, soon becoming angry at me for ignoring her. Grabbing me

forcefully, with out my consent, and pulling me down into her watery depths. I cannot

continue this pace. A brief moment of peace with a fortune cookie leaves me with this

advice: “Too many demands will be your downfall”

I know I know I know…

away

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 02:48:11 GMT

I want to throw myself away just so he will save me...

and its stupid, because I know he will anyway.

christmas lists

Tue, 06 Dec 2005 20:20:53 GMT

19 days until Christmas!

Leave me messages on what all of you would like and I’ll do my best…I’m job-less and poor so…hehe

use this place

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 10:47:45 GMT

I want to use this place, I really do.

I just don’t know how.

I mean I cannot spill my guts here or speak of ¼ of the things that go on, simply cause it is too much of a risk to make these things public.

But this does say Journal, not diary right?

If I ever figure out how to keep a journal on a daily basis, an edited version of everyday occurrences and random words I don’t mind people hearing, I will continue to write. Hopefully it will be come…eventually consistent.

lately

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 00:20:57 GMT

The other day I took a 1/3 of a bottle of pills

The day after I took a hand full more

Yesterday I poured hot wax down my wrist to keep myself from a knife

Today I laid under the water for hours…

Lately I’ve wanted to combine all those incidences, only I want to take a deep breath on the last step.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:19:59 GMT

f.y.i

People judge people. It’s a fact of life in the society we live in today. I understand that, whether I like it or not, I am still under that scrutiny.

Whether it changes me or not however, is ultimately my choice.

But I think I will clear some things up, give people some reasons for a few of the things they criticize me for.

My blanket- Ahhh yes, my famous pink blanket. My “nasty piece of ugly fuzz” Wanna know a little story about this blanket of mine? When I was born it was the first thing I was wrapped up in, the first thing I did was grasp the edge to stop the tears. Something that I still do.

When I was just a little girl, I was dieing from phenomena. They didn’t think I would live a lot longer and one night the northern lights filled the sky, every color you could think of, from horizon to horizon. My parents wrapped me up in that blanket and sat on the hood of our car with me so I could see it. It was the first time I ever saw the aurora.

It brings me comfort, it keeps my anxiety at bay, and it helps to get me threw the day, and that’s all that matters.

My pallor- Guess what? I’m pale. In the winter I turn translucent, and yes you can see my veins beneath my skin. I get sick a lot as well, and yes I do look like I’m dieing. Did you ever think I could be?

I was born with a weak immune system, illnesses attack me for a long time before it gets the hint to kick in, so I get very worn down. And after some events in my past, I have a shortened life span. I will enjoy it and live it the fullest I can. Why do people fear death so greatly, its just another part of nature…which people fear as well.

The “Nature freak” thing- Do you think its an insult to me to call me a “tree hugger” or “tree talker”? Its not. If you knew the things I knew, could hear the things I hear…you would understand. And no offence, but I prefer the company of trees to the cruelty of you human beings.

I could go on, but why take your fun away? I just thought I’d let you know, for ignorance’s bliss only lasts for a little while.

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 05:14:08 GMT

What's Your Trigun Personality?

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What Inuyasha Family Member Are You?

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What Anime Mood Are You?

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What Anime Art Style Are You?

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You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Take the quiz: "What animal-spirit lives inside of you?"

Wolf
Inside of you, the spirit of the wolf is sleeping.The wolf is a lonesome traveler in the lonely prairies, the deep woods and the never-ending deserts of ice and snow of the Rocky Mountains, Alaska,the North pole and so on...The wolf is fine with being on his own and managing his days.So are you.But be aware of, that wolves also live in groups often , to support each other and to defend against their enemies with greater success.

R	Responsible
A	Amorous
V	Virtuous
E	Earthy
N	Naughty
S	Shaggy
T	Technological
E	Explosive
A	Arty
R	Rounded
S	Sensual

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

You are a
protector.
Yes, you don't like to kill people. That goes
against everything you belive in. It's not that
you are a coward, but your ideals and morals
wouldn't allow it. You are the typical hero, do
the righteous things, get the bad guys and do
it all legally. But just because you don't kill
doesn't mean you can't kick ass. And that is
what you do. You use your brain and your
strenght to do honourable deeds and protect
people you know and love. If an evil guy is
going to take over the world soon, it's you who
will get involved. You hate watching innocents
suffer, and love seeing bad people getting what
they deserve. You are probably also happy and
optimistic and work pretty good in groups. And
the friends you usually make are true ones.

Main weapon: Anything at all
Quote: "You only live once, but if
you do it right, once is enough" -Joe
Lewis
Facial expression: Smile

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
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Take the quiz: "Which of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World are You? (pics)"

You are the Hanging Gardens of Babylon!
The Hanging Gardens of Babylon are the most controversial of all the Seven Wonders because there is some doubt they ever existed.

You need adventures.
Real life has been very boring for you and you
can't help but dream away. Nothing is exciting
or fascinating in your life and can't
understand why it all is so dull. You like
having fun, but are probably not a bouncing
person because of that. There is a probability
that you either like to read/watch fantasy or
similar genres, or have a creative side that
lets you release your fantasy world.

What Do You Need in Your Life? [dark pics]
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I saw you today....

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 04:33:29 GMT

I saw you today,
deep in the quiet grove
the Technicolor candle light of color
melting between the leaves like sugar
the way your face looked in the glow of aging.

I closed my eyes,
basking in remaining sounds of your voice
my hands, instinctively cupped to my face
wanting nothing more that to catch you
before it scatters away.

pointless entry

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 22:39:06 GMT

Ahhh time for an other rare real update ^^

Hmmm I’m sitting around in by underwear (black lacey underwear, like actual ones that cover my butt for a change) and a pale purple tank top. It’s a warm 85, sunny, and my dad is cutting the yard with the obnoxiously loud lawn mower.

I’m eating a PBnJ and trying to figure out what I’m doing tonight…I almost wanna go to the break wall until late tonight…either that or the movies.

I dunno…its one of those sleepy kinda summer days where things just blur into each other. And some how drama still ensues…teenagers these days. I’ve been waiting for this summer for a long time though and just now am I starting to sink into the idea that there really is nothing I HAVE to do…and that tight knot of tension that is in my stomach the rest of the year is just now beginning to let go.

Mmm sitting by the lake sounds good about now..

I dunno what compelled me to write here today. I have nothing to say of all that importance. Nothings really going on and…well who knows, not like I need a reason anyways ^^

There is a show on about aliens on tv. By the by, I believe in aliens. Just a quick fact for ya.

Mmm brb I need some milk…

Hmmm I don’t know what to wear to…whatever it is I’m doing tonight. I suppose I should go decide that now…

My movie marathon plans..

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 14:59:54 GMT

Movie Marathon Plans ^^

Angelina Jolie movies:

Alexander

Taking lives

Beyond Borders

Life or something like it

Original Sin

The Bone collector

Playing by Heart

Gia

Foxfire

Giliy

Comedy:

A series of unfortunate events

Shrek 2

School of rock

Napoleon dynamite

Gold member

Pirates of the Caribbean

Documentary:

Super Size Me

Living planet

Animals in the wild: cries in the wild

Empire of the Nude: The Victorian Nude

The Celts

In search of Dracula

Tibet

The Unexplained

Fairy Faith

Irish

Nostradamus

Bakara

Medwyn Goodall’s Natural Worlds

Art of Nature

Magnificent Scenery of Ireland

National Geographic: The photographers

Tigers of the Snow

Aromatherapy

Natural Beauty

Strictly Super natural: Tarot and Astrology

Feng Shui

Fahrenheit 9/11

Horror/suspense/adventure:

Birth

Blade

Rose Red

The Forgotten

Bram Stroker’s Dracula

The shining

The Nameless

Silence of the Lambs

Hannibal

Red Dragon

Bourne Supremacy

Man on fire

Butterfly Effect

Manchurian Candidate

The Gift

Spiderman 2

City of lost children

Riddick

Musicals:

Phantom of the Opera

Moulin Rouge

Vampire:

Interview with a vampire

Razor Blade smile

Blood, the last vampire

Queen of the Damned

Romance:

Closer

The terminal

Titanic

Door in the floor

50 first dates

Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind

City of Angels

Garden State

How to lose a guy in ten days

Win a date with Tad Hamilton

Shakespear in love

Somethings gotta give

When Harry met Sally

About a boy

Tear Jerker:

Finding Neverland

City of Angels

The Pianist

What dreams may come

AI

American Beauty

Dead Poets Society

Anime:

Ghost in the shell

Nausicaa

Spirited away

Akira

The Cat Returns

Grave of fireflies

Inuyasha

Kiki’s delivery service

Samurai x

X

Cowboy Bebop

Japanese Films:

House of flying daggers

Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon

Hero

Native American/animal legend:

Legends of the Fall

The Bear

Dances with Wolves

Last of the dogmen

Emerald forest

Spirit stallion of the Cimarron

Brother Bear

Cry in the wild

White Fang

Weird:

Alice in wonderland

Donny Darko

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Powder

Animated:

Atlantis

Emperor’s new groove

Gay:

Treading Water

Farewell My Concubine

Heavenly Creatures

Gia

(Which group should I watch first ???!!!)

India Arie, Video lyrics ^^

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 19:39:22 GMT

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

When I look in the mirror the only one there is me
Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed to be
And I know our creator didn’t make no mistakes on me
My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes; I’m lovin’ what I see

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

Am I less of a lady if I don’t wear pantyhose?
My mama said a lady ain’t what she wears but, what she knows
But, I’ve drawn a conclusion, it’s all an illusion, confusion’s the name of the
Game
A misconception, a vast deception
Something’s gotta change
Don’t be offended this is all my opinion
Ain’t nothing that I’m sayin law
This is a true confession of a life learned lesson I was sent here to share wit
Y’all
So get in where you fit in go on and shine
Free your mind, now’s the time
Put your salt on the shelf
Go on and love yourself
’cuz everything’s gonna be all right

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

Keep your fancy drinks and your expensive minks
I don’t need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive car and your caviar
All I need is my guitar
Keep your crisp style and your pistol
I’d rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Don’t need your silicon I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine

I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But, I learned to love myself unconditionally
Because I am a queen
I’m not the average girl from your video
My worth is not determined by the price of my clothes
No matter what I’m wearing I will always be india aria

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 20:36:11 GMT

You are the Spirit of Love. You think around
romance and are extremely compassionate.
Whenever you want something you can get it due
to your fiery passion. You can make friends
quite easily, because peopole are attracted to
your obvious good nature. You will have no
trouble in finding a life partner and will be
very happy.

Which stunning spirit of emotion are you? NEW AND IMPROVED! (amazingly beautiful anime pics!)
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You are the Wild Bride!

Which Bride are you? -With Anime Pics!-
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Your word is: Helpless. You have so many emotions
bottled up inside and you are at the verge of a
breaking point. Life is just too painful
nowadays and you don't want to live it more.
You secretly wish someone would show their love
for you and save you from your dark thoughts.
You feel there is nothing you can do and may
turn to self-harming to relieve the stress. You
are also often depressed and may have thoughts
of death. Life didn't turn out the way you
wanted it to.

What dark word represents you? (anime pics and 7 outcomes)
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Your Hidden Power Is:
Earthly

You are sort of childish yet brave. If you get
pissed off you become a very strong fighter.
You hate seeing the earth die and you use your
special powers to save the earth from becoming
hell. You are loved by many and hated by few
but you only despise those that try and destroy
your wonderful earth.

Gem Stone:Emerald Eye Color:Lime
Green Hair Color:Brown with green on the
bottom tips and it is shoulder length flipped
out.

Quote:I tear my heart open. I sew my
self shut. My weakness is that i care to much.
And our scars remind us that the past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel.

What Is Your True Hidden Power? .::Beautiful Anime Pics::.
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You are a simple princess! That doesnt mean you
cant have all the wealth in the world no, it
just doesnt appeal to you. You are refreshingly
innocent and happy with your life of purity and
play. Nature is the setting you prefer to be in
- Always. Barefoot and wild you can't be tamed.
You'll grow up someday, but you'll always be a
child at heart. You are adventurous and love to
take risks, and feel a deep connection with the
weather, plants, and animals. You prefer
sunshine to thunder or snow, the warmth of
summer to autumn's chill, and quiet forests to
suburban backyards. Though you can be childish,
naive, stubborn, and self-absorbed, one thing
is certain - life with you will never be
boring!

Which proud princess are you? (Dazzling pics and detailed results!)
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staying at home...warm and cozy ^_^

What type of anime summer girl are you?
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You are Tori Amos. You are a bit eccentric, but it
doesn't matter because you have a huge
following, and if someone doesn't like you,
your gay following will kill them. Go you...

What famous gay icon are you?
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